Dahil Balentyms Naman.

Mga Palagay ng Hindi Mapalagay

Kung tatanungin ako sino siya sa buhay ko, ang isasagot ko ay isang mahabang katahimikan at matagal na buntong hininga. Ipagmamalaki o itatanggi ko ba siya? Hindi ko alam kung anong pang-uri ang gagamitin para ipakilala siya.

Maraming nangyari. Sa kanya. Sa akin. Sa “amin”. May masaya, malungkot, nakakatawa, sangkatutak na awkward, may mga pagtatalong naresolba at hindi. Pero pinakamarami ang hindi maipaliwanag.

Magandang simula. “Anyareng” katapusan. Hanggang ngayon malaking question mark pa rin sa akin bakit nagkaganon. Pero nung panahon ata na nagsimula akong magtanong sa kanya, sa Kanya at sa sarili ko, usong uso ata ang rhetorical questions. Ngayon, uso naman ata ang mga tanong na hindi na tinatanong. Hindi dahil sa walang sagot kundi hindi na dapat sagutin pa.

Naglalaro pa rin sa isip ko yung capital P. “PAANO”. Paano kung magkita ulit kami. Paano kung magkausap ulit. Paano kung mabalik yung dati. Paano kung masagot na yung mga tanong na sya ang bumuo pero ako ang humahanap ng sagot. Paano kung siya pa rin pala. Pero paano rin kung hindi pala talaga. Sayang naman yung mga paano na yun. Sayang naman yung pagcapitalize ko sa Paano.

Makata bago Umuwi

Ipahuli mo pako sa pulis, wag lang magmintis. 
Aking mga nakaw na tingin, bago mag-alas sais.

Next step: GREATER and HIGHER.

Rejection may not always be bad, after all. 

Last April 2013, I left my first love. If you have been reading my previous posts, you would notice the agony I had before I decided to leave my former job. It had been a dream to become a professional teacher. And through God's will, I was able to reach that dream. But has it been forgotten since I am no longer a teacher now?

I remember during an interview, the panelist asked me, "Why do you leave teaching when it says in the test you have taken that it is your dream job?" I took a deep breath. I tried to muster all the confidence I have to convince them to believe on my answer. But the more I tried to convince them, the more I felt I am less convinced. Until a thought crossed my mind and I answered, "Yes, it was really hard for me to leave teaching since it was my first love. But just like all human love, I became passionless. And it got frustrating to a point that I felt I was not deserving to stand in front of my students. So before things became worse, I decided to leave. But that doesn't mean that my passion is totally gone. Standing right before them got hard but never inspiring them. Being an educator is not limited to classroom instructions and interactions. I remember what my Language Testing professor once said. A good test also teaches. So I am here, applying for the position with my passion to continuously educate young people through the test items that I am going to make if I will be hired." I don't know if the panelists believed in me but when I answered, I am satisfied. 

The entire process of application to the job I am into right now is not as smooth as the other job applications I had gone through. Before this, I am just a step to being employed. Interviews and exams were attended to and fortunately, I passed them. Employers asked me to come back for the job offer which I declined. I did not take those offers not because I have a high regard of myself. To be honest, these jobs which I applied to were not of my line of expertise nor of my interest. I just decided to try if I can meet their qualifications and good thing, I did. But at the end of the day, I realize where my heart really belongs. I prayed a desperate prayer since I wanted to get hired immediately. I wanted to work since I am not used to not doing anything and not earning at the same time. If I took one of the jobs offered, I could have started working the same month I resigned. But God is so good to let me realize that waiting doesn't have setbacks. Either of these two GOOD things will happen: I get what I wait for or I learn how to be more patient. And so I waited. 

May 21. I was called by the HR officer of NETRC- DepEd for an exam. So I went to the office. It is really far from my place but it is worth the sweat. I spent 4 hours taking the exam. It was harder than the professional exam I took. After taking it up, I felt tired and exhausted. I also felt I may not be able to pass it but I prayed for God's work in my exam paper. Two weeks after, the officer called me again, this time for an interview. I was expecting that the interview would be less stressful as compared to the exam. But lo and behold, it was a nerve wracking experience. I faced 5 interviewers- all intimidating. Maybe it is because they are the oldest interviewers I get to deal with. Whenever they ask questions, I felt I had to give them an answer from a Miss Universe candidate's perspective. The good thing about the panel is that when I answered their questions, they were responsive. I felt they were impressed at some of my responses but to some answers, they were not. After the interview, I thought it was going-home time. But another stage was given. I was asked to construct test items for different competencies. Good thing, the topics given were the topics I enjoyed the most. So the last part was not as stressful as the interview. I was called the following day for the final interview. At last, this is the last part. I didn't know what kind of final interview I am going to undergo but my heart had less expectations this time. I went to the office with sweaty palms, weak knees and heavy arms. I was nervous and I didn't understand why. I wanted to bash all the things in front of me just to ease away the feeling. When it was my turn to speak to the directress, I stuttered. I even had my mind blanked. But with the grace of God, I was able to answer her questions which I'd like to believe impressed her. And so I was asked to proceed to the conference room. There, I waited along with the 4 applicants. We didn't know why we were asked to wait so we seized the moment to get to know each other and talk about the hell we've gone through during the entire process.

After an hour of waiting, we were presented with a piece of paper which was actually the contract. I praised God immediately upon holding it. It is a high paying job. I can say I am earning more than an entry level call center agent does. But aside from the salary, what I am more thankful for is the job itself. I could say that I get to continue pursuing my dream of educating young people- this time through the test that I will make/modify. It is far more fulfilling. 

I resigned. I rejected. I rested.

But that doesn't mean I ended my story. 

I resigned because I know God asked me to stop before things get worse.

I rejected because I believe God asked me to drop good things and start picking up better things.

I rested because I look forward to God's greater plans for me. 

I'll be starting on July. And God's grace be upon me. 

FIRST TIMER.

To me, he is a man who loves surprises- whether given to him or given by him.

It was our first time visiting an Italian fastfood. At first, we were hesitant to eat there since we were trying to be thrifty. We thought of cutting our cost since we were saving for something else. But because of the good news that he already got his salary for this cut-off, we decided to give it a go. 

We didn't know which to order because when it was my first time to eat there, I didn't order for myself. I forgot the names of the entree' so we were like eating in a "turo-turo" because we literally pointed out the meals we ordered. Upon seeing the pizzas, his face was in complete marvel at the sight of his favorite food. He was like a child who witnessed the first magic trick of his life. He stood in awe of the man-made pizza which made him feel like he was directly sent to heaven. That smile from his face was incomparable to any of the smiles he smiled when we eat in a thousand different pizza houses. To him, this is home. 

And so we ordered. I opted to eat my all-time favorite pasta with meat sauce while he chose the kiddie meal- spaghetti and of course, the love of his life- pizza. While we were eating, we made countless jokes on social climbers inside the fastfood. We even fabricated stories about how a couple ended up being together and how they will end up eventually. He was the story maker while I was the editor. I guess, eating should be like that. It should be filled with tales from the undiscovered zone- tales which are really non-existent. Because if people would always talk about the reality, it would bore them as time goes on. Okay. That was off the topic which I feel not taking off the record. Haha. 

Le Meal.

Going back. I only finished the pasta and a couple of bites from the pizza. As I was witnessing him savor his newly proclaimed favorite pizza, I felt full. It is true when someone says "Makita lang kitang busog, busog na rin ako." Not to sound so cheesy but that was the reality at that time. The sight of him enjoying his meal for the first time made me enjoy watching him. It was like a gift to him which surprised him big time. Every bite he made is equal to the number of times he uttered "Ang sarap talaga". His face at that time is a face I'd like to paint but I just couldn't and can't. He appreciated all the good things he found on that pizza. I never heard him complain about the size, the taste, the texture and even the appearance of it. I was trying to see if he would tell something negative about its price. I asked him if it was worth it. Without thinking, he answered me with a big "Yes". And that was the first time he didn't compute for what he ate. 

He is a man of surprises. He loves to surprise that's why in return, he gets surprises back. And his first time in this Italian fastfood gave him a surprise which he was thankful I brought him into. :)

Le Happy Kid

God says.

Man says: If ever you need me, I'll be there.
God says: You will never be in need as long as you have Me.

Man says: Change is inevitable.
God says: I stay the same. I am the same God who redeemed Israel and who redeems you.

Man says: Show me and I'll trust you.
God says: Trust me and I'll show you.

Man says: I cannot always understand you but I'll try to stick around.
God says: I fully understand you for I made you. Whatever happens, I'll be with you.

Man says: It's okay to feel fear at times. It's all natural.
God says: Fear not for I am with you.

Man says: I will be the loneliest person if you die.
God says: I die for you to live.

Man says: Promises are meant to be broken.
God says: My promises are eternal.

Man says: Just leave a message after the beep in case I am unavailable.
God says: I am always here for you. Talk to me anytime you want.

Man says: Time can heal everything.
God says: By My stripes, you are healed.

Man says: I am falling in love with you.
God says: I am always in love with you.

Man says: Just be yourself.
God says: Be Jesus-like.

Man says: Forgiveness should only be given to those who deserve it.
God says: Long before you ask for forgiveness, I have already given you that.

Man says: I cannot give you everything.
God says: Ask and it will be given.

Man says: You'll be beautiful if you are slim, if you wear something like this, if you eat this.
God says: You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Man says: I love you just as you are.
God says: I love you so much that I want you to be more like Jesus.

Man says: I'd die for you.
God DID.

Are you happy now?

The measure of a truly happy person is when he/she doesn't measure happiness.

We tend to compare ourselves with others. Most of the times we do when we see them happy. Yes, they may be happy but that doesn't mean they're happier than us. I believe that the term "Happier" should not exist, hence "happiest", too. Who could say that a person is happier than the other? We may be able to define what happiness is. Or we can enumerate the things/people that make us happy. But we can never compare our happiness with others. They may seem happy on the outside but inside, maybe there's a lot more or lot less.

Once you are happy, you are happy. Period. You need not to look at others for you to confirm your happiness. Because when you do, it means you're not happy at all. Being happy is equal to contentment. And contentment, in order to reach that point, you have to look at your inner self, not at other's inner self. Suppose you have a new gadget. (let me not name any) It was one of the goals you have set: to own a latest gizmo. And here it is on your hands. You have all your friends envious with what you have. You are now into exploring the techie thing. But when you log in on your social networking account, you see another friend with the same gadget. But, it has something which yours does not have. It's the same, except for that little discrepancy. However, what your friend has stirs something inside you. You also want to have that very same thing. Do not forget, you have set the goal of having that gadget you are currently using. So in effect, no matter how beautiful your friend's gadget is, you should not overlook the fact that you have already reached your target. YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY.

Am I hearing a defense mechanism? "I am happy. It's just that I think I should also have that one." Why? To be happier? And when you already have what your friend has, will you be so sure that you will not seek for something more beautiful? For sure, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOMETHING BETTER THAN WHAT YOU GOT RIGHT NOW. But it doesn't mean you must be less happy.

In order to be truly happy, you have to choose to be. You may reach a point in your life when things, people and situation tell you to breakdown, cry, self- pity. But when you tell to them you choose not to look on them, but on their positive side, you can be happy. Happiness is a choice and an outlook. It's when you focus on your contentment rather than the other's contentment. It's when you decide to be thankful with what you have rather than to ask for more because you don't have what others have. It's when you finally realize that you don't need to have what they have because at the end of the day, it doesn't count. But what counts is how you make the most out of the things you have right now and how cheerful your heart is because you can confidently tell others that, "I am happy. Period."

*I am not that pleased with the illustration I made but I am surely happy with the insights it gave me. :)